Sugar cubes and other goals

Twenty-three days 'til I turn 30.  Lately, I've been thinking about how I'd like this next decade of my life to go, what I want to do differntly, what goals I want to reach.  Today, I decided one of those changes will be that I will only use sugar cubes in my coffee starting January 5th, 2010.  I want to be able to say, "I take two sugars in my coffee."  I will have ornate silver tongs to pull the cubes out of the sugar cup.  Down with loose sugar!

Since I have made the decision that I am now ready to be a mother, it is hard to forget that goal.  Everyone tells me not to stress about it.  Once I've set a goal for myself, I can't just give it up, stop working towards it, ignore it, not stress about it.  I can't forget how we giggled the first time we made love (okay, it was wild monkey sex) without protection and dreamed of what our baby would look like.  And every month when I start to feel cramps and every month when I see pink, then red on my bathroom tissue, I can't help but feel like I've failed.  One more egg that could've been our baby, falling out of me.

I know that this is not a failure on my part or his part.  Yet it is a goal not reached.  And it is stressing.  And I can't stop from crying a little each time.  And I know that I don't know when I will reach this goal or how many more months I will have to endure this feeling. 

I am turning 30 years old.  It is an odd feeling, one that I can't really describe.  I made it through my 20's and I'm ready to take on whatever this decade wants to throw at me.  But only if I can have two sugars in my coffee.

Oh.......