50/50

Less than 12 hours 'til my pregnancy blood test!  I've been having conflicting emotions for......oh, the past week!  Some days I think I am, some days I think I'm not.  Having never been pregnant before, I guess I don't really know what I should feel.  And, being on hormone supplements, I don't know what's real and what's not!  I missed my period but that's nothing to get excited about since the progesterone supplement I'm taking blocks me from starting a period.  So instead of trying to judge each little twinge, I've just been focusing on work, trying to ignore the impending test!  BUT IT'S TOMORROW! 

Oh, and I hope I am pregnant.

Breathe out......

HOW CAN I WAIT NINE MORE DAYS?!?

I want to know RIGHT NOW if I'm pregnant! 

Had more blood work this morning.  The nurse always calls around 2pm with the results.  My husband heard the message and sent me a text saying she sounded really positive.  :)  So cute!  I listened to it when I got home.  I think she sounded the way she always does. 

Estridol - 1,992
Progesterone - 40.3

Progesterone levels in the first trimester?  10 - 47 (or 90, depending on what source it's coming from).  BUT, we can not get excited.  On Monday the doctor started me on progesterone suppositories - 100mg 2x/day.  I've been trying to find out how quickly they take effect and can raise levels but with no luck.  Some sites I've come across say they make no difference at all.  Either way, higher levels seem to indicate a better chance of pregnancy! 

I was also instructed to give myself an injection of 5,000 IU of hcg tonight.  Which means that I can't take an over-the-counter pregnancy test because I will get a false-positive.  I must wait until Friday April 9th to get the blood test!

Oh, right now I'm just going to believe that I am!  ;)

Just stumbled across this:
Vaginal suppositories of 100 mg progesterone produce a rapid increase in plasma progesterone levels, which peak within 4 hours between 9.5 and 19.0 ng/mL. Over the next 8 hours, there is a gradual fall in plasma a levels.
???

How romantic!

Early this morning my doctor's office called and said since my blood test on Saturday revealed that my progesterone is around 5, they are calling in an order to the pharmacy for me.  I didn't ask but I believe they want to see it closer to 15.  So, we picked up progesterone suppositories.  Yep, suppositories.  They are flat pills a little bigger than the size of a nickle and they fit into a tube that you then put in your vagina and push in, like a tampon.  A friend of mine who is also going through fertility treaments said that you get a discharge from them that is like wet cement. 

Oh, that's hot!

10 million sperm

Back to the doctor yesterday for a second IUI.  This time 10 million were inserted.  Grand total - 29 million sperm.  My second egg had released, as seen on the ultrasound - the follicles had shrunken and there were white dots around the black follicles, blood cells that had entered the ruptured follicle.  It seems impossible that one of his 29 million sperm would not hit one of my two eggs!

My boobs are super sore.  So sore that I had to switch to my exercise bra, thus giving myself uni-boob.  On the plus side, they are so swollen that even when I lay flat they stay perky instead of sagging down to my sides as they started doing around the time I turned 29.

I go back to the doctor on Wednesday to have blood drawn.  I have one more Pregnyl (hcg) injection left and the doctor said he will more than likely have me take it on Wednesday.  More on those results as I get them.....

In the meantime, we have been staying positive and sending out baby-thoughts to the universe.  Today we made some sperm/egg art! 

Oh, go sperm, go!

19 million sperm

19 million.  One of those has got to hit one of the two eggs I'm releasing, right?  19 million!

We did the IUI at 7:45 this morning.  First we did an ultrasound to look at the follicles.  The left one didn't look like it had released but the right one looked like it did.  It took about 45 minutes for the doctor to prepare the sperm.  He inserted the speculum and then put in the catheter and released some of the sperm into my left tube, some into the right.  I stared at a calendar that had a picture of a pissed-off looking cat with a milk mustache.  I couldn't even feel the catheter.

Afterwards, I relaxed there for 20 minutes.  During the sperm preparation (sperm washing), the prostaglandins in the ejaculate are removed.  These can cause cramping and severe pain in the cervix and may even cause the uterus to collapse!  I didn't have any cramping, just continued discomfort from the Pregnyl injections.  Sperm washing can also remove dead sperm and those with poor motility, leaving the strongest ones.  It works best with guys who have a count of 20 to 30 million.  My husband has a count of around 20 to 25 million.

After the IUI, I got my blood drawn for, like, the 100th time this month.  They called later on and said because of those results, we are going to do another IUI tomorrow.  I believe what the doctor is looking at is my progesterone level, which should reach a certain number after the follicles release the egg.  Mine were lower than that and so we send in more troops tomorrow to try to hit that second target. 

He didn't say that I had to relax afterwards but when I left the office I took the bus straight home.  I took a nap, snuggling my hot water bottle against my abdomen.  I have to go to work tomorrow after the appointment and after work we are going to a quinceanera.

Oh, I hope we make a baby!  One baby!

Trigger time!

Today I was given the go ahead for the hcg injection.  The drug my doctor is having me use for this is Pregnyl.  He said after they received my bloodwork and gave me the results that I was to take it right then.  Which means I had to give myself the injection.  Which I've never done before.....

First, I had to prepare the drug, which is very.....ummmm....nurse-y and I am not a nurse.  It's intimidating, using a syringe to suck water from one vial, trying to get exactly 1 1/2cc's, then squirting it into a vial containing the powdered hcg, mixing it, then drawing that back into the syringe, changing the needle to a smaller one that I will use to inject myself, then pinching the fat of my stomach and injecting it.  The needle didn't hurt but something in the medication makes the injection site quite sore.  I did one dose of 10,000 IU today and I was so sore afterward I would wince everytime I had to flex my trunk.

Tomorrow I do one more dose of 10,000 IU of the Pregnyl and by Friday I should have one or two eggs release.  We do the IUI that morning!

It's like a small rodent is gnawing my ass

Ganirelix is evil.  It feels like a gerbil gently gnawing my flesh at the injection site.  I confirmed with a friend who also had to take Ganirelix that this is common.  Well, that you have pain at the injection site.  She didn't necessarily agree that it felt like a rodent chewing your ass.

My friend also said that the gonal-f injection made her super sleepy.  She was on a much higher dose than I am and said she got sleepy immediately.  I've been having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning and thought that might be it. 

I haven't been feeling totally positive about our upcoming IUI.  I think that is partly because it seems impossible that we will finally become pregnant, partly because I don't want to get myself worked up, only to be let down.  But.....I think I need to get pumped up about it!  We will get pregnant and have a baby 9 months from the begining of April! 

Oh, positive thinking!

I sure felt like biting that x-ray tech

I was scheduled for an HSG on Monday.  A hysterosalpingogram.  The secretary from my doctor's office asked if my husband was coming along with me.  I told her he had to work and she responded "....oh.....o-okay."  After I hung up the phone I thought maybe I should do a bit more research on this.  I mean, my doctor just kept calling it an x-ray but the sound in her voice.....

What I find online is a description of the procedure followed by comments from women who have had an HSG.  Most of them were negative.  Then there were those who said it wasn't so bad and you just had to be able to handle pain.  I knew that I would be in that latter category.  I'm no wimp!

Well you know what?  I am a wimp when it feels like I'm being stabbed in the cervix for 2 minutes.  I'm not going to sugar-coat this.  It was horrible.  The doctor inserts a cold speculum, then pushes a catheter through the cervix.  He then injects a dye into the cervix and they take x-rays as it flows into the uterus and up and out the fallopian tubes.  It's done to make sure there are no blockages or cysts in the uterus or tubes.  And it feels like a hot poker is being repeatedly stabbed into the tender tissues of my cervix.

As this is happening, the x-ray tech is asking me if I've seen 'Alice in Wonderland' and starts to blather on about how it wasn't as good as 'Avatar'.  You know what?  How 'bout I bite you?  Is that as good as 'Avatar'?  I just take deep breaths and glare at him.

Some other good info to have before going in:
- you will be made to change into a hospital gown and will more than likely have a "recovery room."  Being escorted to my "recovery room" before the procedure immediately put my guard up.  They should call it something different.
- you may bleed afterward.  I brought a pad with me and it's a good thing because I did have some spotting plus that dye leaks out for the rest of the day and, in my case, into the next day.
- you may have some cramping.  The doctor said I could take Motrin.  I didn't have any cramping but I did feel tender inside for the rest of the day.

This is what I know.

Gonal-F pen & Ganirelix

"The doctor said that if you aren't nice about this, he is sure he can come up with something for me to inject into you," is the warning I gave my husband as he swabbed my ass with an alcohol wipe.

On my cycle day 7, we started injections of gonadotropin hormone, or FSH - follicle stimulating hormone.  It's used to develop multiple follicles.  I'm on a low dose - 75 IU.  This is the third day of injections.  Today we switched over to my left ass cheek 'cause the second one in my right side last night left me feeling a bit sore.  We inject another 75 IU tomorrow along with Ganirelix.  Ganirelix blocks LH - luteinizing hormone.  It's commonly used in conjunction with FSH injections because the body wants to release all those follicles and we don't want that to happen until we are ready to do the IUI.

We must keep our sense of humor about us as we give this a go!  So, for your entertainment.....

Drugs....

Got a big bag of drugs today.  Now to make sense of all of them....

I was wrong in the last post about the drug I'm starting with.  It's Arimidex.  Eight pills today on cycle day 2, eight tomorrow.

What does the interweb tell me about Arimidex?
****
By suppressing estrogen production, aromatase inhibitors trick the pituitary into producing LH and FSH.  This boosts follicle growth.  Many aromatase inhibitors are released from the body within 45 hours. This suggests that taking oral doses of aromatase inhibitors should pose little to no harm to the body or the developing embryo.
*****

My doctor says that it is commonly given to women diagnosed with breast cancer.  The tumor is removed and then they take a dose of Arimidex every day for the next 5, 10, 15, etc. years so that their body doesn't produce too much estrogen. 

He chose to give it to me because it is less potent than Clomid and I don't need that much stimulation. I grow nice follicles just fine on my own.  He is hoping for one or two more than usual since my hubby's sperm do not do well at trying to hit one small moving target.  Now they will have more to aim for.

Taking 16 pills was easy.....

Numbers

I'm trying to make sense of all the numbers I've been given.  I met with my doctor this morning and we went over my blood test results and my husbands most recent semen analysis and set a tentative plan for the rest of the month.

First, my second blood test results:
- Taken on cycle day 21
- Progesterone: 19.10ng/ml
     - Ranges listed on this lab printout:
          - Non-pregnant:
             - Mid-Luteal: 5.2 - 18.6ng/ml
So I'm over the "normal" range?  My doctor didn't specifically say this, just that he didn't really like my progesterone result.  Now, in the "pregnant" column, the range for first trimester is 4.7 - 50.7ng/ml.  My numbers fall in that range but he didn't automatically assume that I'm pregnant.  And I can say that I don't feel pregnant and have all the sensations associated with starting my period in a few days.
- Estridol: 134pg/ml
     - Ranges:
          - Mid-luteal: 49 - 291pg/ml
I fall right in the middle.  So.....good?
- Semen analysis results:
     - Volume: 2ml
     - Sperm count: 12 million/ml
     - Total count in the ejaculate: 24 million
Those are decent numbers.  What the doctor didn't like about the sperm were their motility.  He graded them "poor."  He said they did not swim very far for very long, so he has doubts about whether they can make it all the way up fallopian tubes and then survive there as they wait for the egg.

The Plan -
I was sent home with more semen collector cups, one of which contains a "pink medium."  This substance is apparently very sperm friendly and the doctor hopes to see more sperm swimming around for a longer amount of time in this medium than they did in the empty cup.  I will bring that back in next Wednesday.
On Tuesday I should start my period.  I call the office and the doctor will call in a prescription for me.  I believe the drug he suggested is Antagon.  He said I will take 8 pills on cycle days 2 and 3.These pills are a GnRH (gonadotropin releasing hormone) blocker.  At the pituitary, GnRH stimulates the synthesis and secretion of follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) and luteinizing hormone (LH).    By blocking these, the doctor can time when he wants me to ovulate.  We will do an IUI and, since we can time when the egg will come out, the sperm have a better chance of being ready to go and will not be too tired from waiting too long for my egg to arrive.

Am I thrilled that I have to take drugs that will fuck with my hormones?  No.  But I trust this doctor.  I approve of his reasoning for wanting to use these drugs and trust that he would not do anything to cause me any harm. 

Timeline
- Start period
- Take prescription on days 2 and 3 (and I will double check on that drug name because all I can find online about it is that it is administered by subcutaneous injection, not pill, and I know he specifically said pills)
- Bring in semen sample in pink medium
- Take x-ray of fallopian tubes to make sure they are open for the IUI
- Stimulate ovulation and do IUI (around the 4th week of March?)

A little chart of the cycle of hormones on a "normal" cycle, starting on the first day of your period.

Who else starts their morning this way??

I would guess that most couples, at some point, have had some *fun* in the morning before work.  It's only the ones with fertility problems who then put their husbands semen in a vial, tuck it into their bra strap and hop on the bus to take it downtown.

I made it to my doctor's office with five minutes to spare.  My doctor was sitting at the front desk and when I said "good morning," he said "good morning!  Do you have a package for me?"  This is why I love this doctor.  He didn't need my chart in front of him to remember why I am there.  Even more impressive, he then started to go on about my blood results and the next steps we should take. 

This is what I learned this morning:
- He will test the semen sample I brought in and compare it to the other two.  Hopefully the results will be closer to the second analysis, which was the better of the first two, meaning the sperm are not so bad.
- During my luteal phase, on my cycle day 21 (when I had my blood drawn on Monday), my estridol should have been 10x as much as my progesterone.  He said he likes to see estridol over 200pg/ml.  My progesterone was around 19ng/ml.  He said in a perfect study he would draw blood from me every 20 minutes and we would see if the progesterone was going up or down.  He would like to see it over 20ng/ml (as 10x that puts my estridol over 200pg/ml). 
- Of course, those levels (and should they remain that high) would indicate a pregnancy.  At this I scoffed and he giggled.  I'm glad he's not trying to force me to be overly optimistic.  We just had regular ol' sex this month.  That hasn't worked in the last 2 years & 7 months, why should it  work now?

So, today he will get results from the sperm and on Friday I will call him and we will discuss those results.  On Monday or Tuesday I should start my period.  After I am done with my period and before I ovulate, we will probably do an x-ray of my fallopian tubes to make sure there are no blockages (e.g. a weird mucus plug or something).  He said he will more than likely give me something to "stimulate" my system - meaning a fertility drug - but he didn't say when I would start that. 

I don't want to be stamped with the label "unexplained infertility" but weeks of testing, the stress of waiting.....it's rough.

Oh, more questions, more answers yet to come.....

Good thing I never had the urge to do heroin

I'd chicken out before I could get the needle in.  Last week when I had blood drawn I watched her put the needle in my vein.  

Today, I watched as my nurse, Maria, tied the rubber band around my arm and wiped the front of my elbow with an alcohol pad.  I squeezed the foam ball she gave me and saw my vein pop up, thick and blue.  Then she aimed the needle towards it and I looked away.  I wanted to make a scared, squeaking noise but Maria is the type of woman you could describe as a "tough old broad" and I don't want her to think I'm a pussy.

I turned back to watch the blood leave my arm and fill the two vials she had waiting.  I should be getting a call with the numbers from these test results in about an hour.  On Wednesday, I will bring in a sample from my husband and on Friday we will have those results plus my blood work.  I spoke with my doctor briefly today and he said on Friday we will map out our plan!  Seems that by mid-March, we will be trying either IUI or IVF, depending on these test results!

2nd Post Coital

Back to the doctor's office for a second post coital test! 

Today is cycle day 14.  We abstained for two days, up until last night when we were instructed to have relations again. 

Today, I was told that my cervical mucus is a little too thick.  The doctor could see some sperm swimming in there but not many.  Could be because it was cd 14 and we missed the day when it would've been at just the right consistency - maybe yesterday.  Yesterday was Sunday, so no office visits.  We also could see a 23mm follicle on my right ovary, meaning that I should ovulate any time now.  My uterine lining was also very thick and had the right amount of layers, ready to accept a fertilized egg, should one be in there.

I had blood work today, as well.  The results were:
Estridol - 169pg/ml (picograms per mililiter)
Progesterone - 1.3ng/ml (nanograms per mililiter)
FSH - 12mIU/ml (mili-international units/mililiter)
LH - 49mIU/ml (mili-international units/mililiter)

Some of these are to be done on cycle day 3 so I don't really know what the numbers mean when the tests are done on cycle day 14.  I go back on Monday and get more blood tests done and bring in a sample from my hubby, so I'll get answers about these results then.

Time to have relations!

On Thursday, my cycle day 10, my husband and I had "relations," as my doctor puts it.  So on Friday, cycle day 11, I went into the office for my first post-coital test.  The doctor removed some of my cervical mucus from my cervix and peered at it under the microscope to see if it was being kind to the sperm my husband sent in about 12 hours before.  Turns out, it was a little inhospitable but some of the little guys were still hanging out.  Good sign.

We also got a look at my ovaries and uterus.  The lining of my uterus was where it was supposed to be, though now I'm forgetting the exact measurements.  Ten milimeters, maybe?  We saw a 15mm follicle on my right ovary, so this month I will be ovulating from that side.  My doctor said that follicles grow about 2mm per day, so by my cycle day 14 it should be around 21mm in size.  Eighteen milimeters and over is great, in the world of fertility testing.

Since it was only my cycle day 11 and my cervical mucus was not in prime consistency, I will go back on Monday for another test and to have my blood drawn to check my hormone levels.

Science.....Science.....Science.....

When you read the title, throw in some new-agey space sounds 'cause that's how it sounds in my head.....

On February 15th we had our appointment to discuss our test results from December.  On the advice of a friend who is also ttc, we switched doctors.  Totally happy with that decision!  The clinic we were at before was more of a baby making factory.  At the new office, the doctor came out to the waiting room to shake our hands as we filled out our paperwork.  *heavenly sounds*  We spent an hour talking in his office about all the things that can make conception not happen. 

Specifics in our case:
- All of our blood work came back fine.  Hormone levels are spot on, no stds.
- My uterus ultrasound revealed no abnormalities and the follicles they looked at at that time were of the proper size.
- Hubby's semen analysis - this one shocked us.  His first one revealed that he only had 6 million sperm (below 10 mil is considered bad).  The second one - 21 million!  The doctor said that the results could be so varied because of the way the samples were produced - the first one in a hospital bathroom by himself and the second, at home, with me (please hold your applause).  So, when we're having sex he could be producing even more because, well, I'm so damn hot and sexy!  Okay.....the doctor didn't say it like that but that's totally what he means.

All such good news.  Then why aren't we conceiving? 

Other factors:
- The motility of the sperm may still be poor.  They might not have the strength to move up the cervix, through the uterus into the fallopian tubes.
- The morphology may be poor.  Some might have two heads, some might not have tails, etc.
- If hubby had had some sort of physical injury to his groin area (just one knee to the balls, even), he might have a tear in the wall between where the sperm are made or travel and his pelvic cavity.  (The doctor did throw in a lot of terms here - epididymis, vas deferens, prostate, etc. I'm gonna keep it simple but feel free to study male anatomy on your own.)  His body might then send in white blood cells to destroy these cells they usually don't have contact with, the sperm.  His own body could be killing his sperm.
- Or, I might be killing his sperm.  When his sperm enter my body, my body might recognize them as foreign and send WBCs to kill them.

These are the things we don't yet know and what we're going to look at next.  More tests.  First up, the post-coital.  Hadn't heard of this one!  In our case, the doctor wants us to abstain for two days.  We had sex on Monday, none on Tuesday, none today, and tomorrow night we will have sex.  On Friday morning (my cycle day 11), I go in to the office and the doctor will use a catheter to enter my cervix and suck out some of my cervical mucus.  He will check to see if my cervical mucus is being hospitable to my guests and if the sperm are having a good time.  I will also have some blood drawn to check my hormone levels.

The following Friday I will go back in to have an ultrasound.  We'll take another look at my uterus to make sure it's building up an inviting lining, one that an embryo might like to hang out in.  We might also do a x-ray of my fallopian tubes, since no one has looked at those yet.  More blood will be taken to check hormone levels.  Hubby will also produce a sample that morning (with my help. *wink*) and I will bring that in.

After all these results are in, we hope to have a solid answer as to why we aren't conceiving. 

Oh, to be continued.....

The day grows near....

It has been forever since I've written.  Really, it is just because there is nothing new to put into a blog focused around fertility treatments.  Life has went on as usual - work, work, work, day off with husband, work, work, work, class, work, work, work.......

Four days from now, though, we meet with our doctor.  We have chosen a new doctor at a different practice.  No offense to the previous doctor.  He was nice and all but the office was more of a baby making factory than a patient-focused clinic, we felt.  A friend of mine recommened this new doctor after she had a great appointment with him.  We are both excited to meet him and believe we will not only get help in making a baby but will also get some answers as to why we are having trouble to begin with.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it will be like if we do get pregnant.  What all is going to change once we have a baby?  Part of me starts to freak out and worry that I can't do this.  And the other part of me feels like I will not be complete if I do not have a child.  Part of me wants to wait another 10 years before deciding it's time and the other part of me thinks I'm too late already.

Regardless of all that, on Monday we go over all our test results and decide on a plan.  Today I have a short work day.  Thursday through Saturday are long work days.  Sunday I will do a bit of work and relax with S.  Then comes Monday. 

The time grows near.  The clouds part and the sun shines through.  Or will it be, the clouds converge over the city and rain pours down?

Oh, dramatic G!  The day you've been waiting for!

Hi, Science, I like your syringe.

Yesterday I was talking to someone about how we are on the IVF path now after having tried many alternative treatments.  This person, being very much into alternative treatments, encouraged me to keep on the holistic path.  She was very positive about it and when we parted ways I felt renewed, like I could keep trying.

I came home, removed a wooden carving that I felt might be sending out negative vibes, set the herbal supplements on the kitchen counter, and starred the dates on my calendar for the days when I would force my husband to have sex no matter how tired he might be.

Later that night I realized that, once again, I was bamboozled into taking advice from a woman who could just look at her husband and get pregnant.  A woman who has no idea what we've been through.  

I want to be one of those women who lie on their back, snap their fingers and get knocked up.  And you know what?  That will happen.  It will happen when I lie on my back, feet in the stirrups and have a syringe inserted through my cervix and a embryo placed in my uterus. 

I'm tossing out all those supplements and erasing those  little stars from my calendar.

Knock me up, science!

Fact Sheets

Before I jump into this topic, let me just say that my last post bordered on the crazy-must have a baby-stereotypical infertile lady-edge that I so hate and I realize that.  Anyway......

Doing some research and have found plenty of disheartening and disturbing information about fertility testing and treatments on the American Society of Reproducive Medicine's webpage.  Interested?  Look here - Fact Sheets. 

Did you know that the ovary-stimulating medicine given to a woman who is participating in fertility treatments can sometimes cause her ovary to twist on itself, cutting off its own blood supply, thus requiring surgery to untwist it or remove it?  Jesus......

I want to pretend that IVF is gonna be cool and interesting, like that elementary school science project where you create a papier mache volcano and then make it explode......but my uterus is not a papier mache volcano. 

Oh, blissful ignorance!

Reproductive organs don't discriminate

This is what I have to remind myself of as we yet again receive a phone call with that bittersweet news - "I'm going to be a dad."

Remember....
Reproductive organs don't care if you love each other very much.
Reproductive organs don't care if you just bought a bottle of cheap wine and pity fucked each other.
Reproductive organs don't care if you have money or don't have money.
Reproductive organs don't care how old you are or if you have a nice car.

My asshole uterus certainly doesn't care what I want.  And my husbands balls?  They're doin' their own thing, regardless of what he wants them to do.

I'm working my way through these angry feelings.  Give me 24 hours.

Oh, reproductive organs...

I have an announcement

*clink, clink, clink* (fork tapping on wine glass)

"Excuse me, excuse me!"  Everyone stops talking and looks directly at me.  "Thank you all for coming," I say.  Oooo, the anticipation is building now......

"I have an announcement."  People look over at my husband but he is staring up at me with the same bewildered look, no clue as to what the big announcement is.  One of the couples looks at each other with knowing grins on their faces.  A tear comes to my eye.

"I just don't like artichoke hearts."  I begin to ramble, "I've always thought of them as a classy food, though I know they come in a can just like a simple pea or carrot, but they've always seemed to impart a sort of upper-class salad to me and I really wanted to be that girl who eats high society salad." 

Distressed glances are being shot my way.  Stephen is headed toward me for our romantic embrace.........no.....he's leading me out of the room.....

Last night I was laying in bed, thinking about making that announcement - "We're pregnant!"  I admit it, I've thought about it before.  About how I'll tell my Mom, my brother, my friends.  There is just no other announcement that I can think of that would be as exciting to them as this one.  "I've got a human being growing inside me!"  That's a pretty rousing announcement.

I can't make that announcement.  So, what can I announce?  I think if I could just get it out of my system, that desire to make a big announcement, then I could let that fantasy go.

Oh, I hate artichoke hearts!

The question of the hour

How do you stay sane while trying to conceive?

People who aren't struggling with fertility issues will never understand this.  I'm not trying to be judgemental and fit all of you who can conceive "normally" into one box but I have yet to find this statement untrue.  You can nod your heads in empathy as those of us who struggle with this express our woes to you but at some point in the conversation it will enivitably be said......
......"you could just try having sex more."
......"if you relax and stop thinking about it, you'll get knocked up."
....."if you guys do adopt, then you'll get pregnant."

Look, it does not work that way.  We do not have what it takes.  We are working with 2% viable sperm.  True, that is not zero percent.  But if a "normal" couple, a couple with almost 100% viable sperm, has a 25% chance each month of getting pregnant, than we, a couple with only 2% viable sperm (and hold on here because math is not my best subject), have a .05% chance each month.  Less than 1%. 

So, those of us struggling tend to reach out to others that are in the same position.  And, thanks to the internet, it is possible to connect with thousands of other couples with infertility. 

Having realized we have a problem, even before medical tests confirmed it, I went looking online for support.  I'm sad to say, I haven't found it.  All I tend to find are women who seem to have only one foot still on the ledge.  Come on, ladies!  Isn't there more to life than becoming a mother?  I say that there is.  And though I think my husband and I would be fantastic parents, if we never get that chance, I will still feel that I have lived a life worth living.  And I work every day to make that statement even more true.  

So, what can you do to stay sane while trying to conceive?
~  Focus on the good things in your life. 
Do you and your husband have a fabulous relationship?Revel in that! Not everyone has that and aren't you lucky!
Do you love your job?  Work to become even better at it and enjoy every day, realizing that you make a difference!
Are you taking fabulous trips?  Don't you feel sorry for those people walking the aisles of the plane trying to calm a restless baby?  Enjoy the fact that you don't have to worry about that right now!
~  Start a new hobby or become a master at an old one.
Now is the time to finally become a fabulous seamstress!
Always wanted to learn how to play the violin?  You have the time now to do that. 
Make gourment dinners and serve them at your beautiful dining room table.  Have friends over and enjoy good conversation over a bottle of wine!

What is that you say?  Shut up, you glass-half-full, optimistic bitch?  I know. 

Oh, but we must try to stay sane, girls!

Alternative Methods Part 2.....or.....What I will force my husband to try in order to avoid IVF

So I find myself sitting in the very last row of seats in the back of the bus with four little bottles wrapped in foil tucked under my arm, inside my jacket, wondering if I'm far enough away from the electromagnetic waves or if I should get off the bus and walk in the -2 degree weather.

Ummm....wait....let me start this at the begining. 

What do you do if you realize that your baby makin' attempts aren't working out but you are against modern medical intervention? 

Visit a homeopathic doctor, of course.

Luckily, I happen to work with a chiropractor who is also a homeopathic nutritionist and a NET (neuroemotional technique) specialist.  After having gone through treatment with her (which I will touch on another time), I convinced my husband to see her.

The session started out normally enough.  Health history, talks about diet and exercise, some allergy testing.  And then she explained that she would like to give him some homeopathic medicine that would work to clean out his liver, spleen, bladder and testes.  And he said "okay" and told her to place the order for the medicine.

The medicine arrives and she gives it to me, along with the instructions.  And this is where it gets strange.......

The medicine, I'm told, will be adversely affected by electromagnetic fields.  She's wrapped it in foil and wants to know how I will get it home.  Being that it's freezing outside, I tell her that I'll be taking the bus home.  She makes a "tsk, tsk" noise and warns me to sit as far to the rear of the bus as I can, away from all the electric implements near the driver.  She stops short of telling me that I need to wrap my head in foil because the aliens are trying to read my thoughts......

Then come the instructions for use.  Each liquid is to be taken in two drops under the tongue, four times a day for one day.  And my husband needs to.....wait for it......stay as far away from electromagnetic fields as he can that day.

So, on a Sunday, we find ourselves in our bedroom void of the alarm clock, the laptop, cell phones, cell phone chargers, lamps, space heater, and power strip, all of which have been moved into the living room.  As I am able to come and go into and out of electromagnetic fields as I please, I slip out of the room to make us lunch and dinner and bring in things like candles so that we can entertain ourselves by reading and playing board games (both of which we enjoy but much more so when not trying to do it in the flickering candlelight). 

Twelve hours pass by so slowly when you are being glared at by a husband who has been forced to spend the day sitting on a bed in a quiet room without his video games.

Needless to say, this treatment got us nowhere.  My husband is now even more distrustful of my alternative suggestions than he was before. 

Oh, alternative methods, I have lost some faith in you!