Breathe out......

HOW CAN I WAIT NINE MORE DAYS?!?

I want to know RIGHT NOW if I'm pregnant! 

Had more blood work this morning.  The nurse always calls around 2pm with the results.  My husband heard the message and sent me a text saying she sounded really positive.  :)  So cute!  I listened to it when I got home.  I think she sounded the way she always does. 

Estridol - 1,992
Progesterone - 40.3

Progesterone levels in the first trimester?  10 - 47 (or 90, depending on what source it's coming from).  BUT, we can not get excited.  On Monday the doctor started me on progesterone suppositories - 100mg 2x/day.  I've been trying to find out how quickly they take effect and can raise levels but with no luck.  Some sites I've come across say they make no difference at all.  Either way, higher levels seem to indicate a better chance of pregnancy! 

I was also instructed to give myself an injection of 5,000 IU of hcg tonight.  Which means that I can't take an over-the-counter pregnancy test because I will get a false-positive.  I must wait until Friday April 9th to get the blood test!

Oh, right now I'm just going to believe that I am!  ;)

Just stumbled across this:
Vaginal suppositories of 100 mg progesterone produce a rapid increase in plasma progesterone levels, which peak within 4 hours between 9.5 and 19.0 ng/mL. Over the next 8 hours, there is a gradual fall in plasma a levels.
???

10 million sperm

Back to the doctor yesterday for a second IUI.  This time 10 million were inserted.  Grand total - 29 million sperm.  My second egg had released, as seen on the ultrasound - the follicles had shrunken and there were white dots around the black follicles, blood cells that had entered the ruptured follicle.  It seems impossible that one of his 29 million sperm would not hit one of my two eggs!

My boobs are super sore.  So sore that I had to switch to my exercise bra, thus giving myself uni-boob.  On the plus side, they are so swollen that even when I lay flat they stay perky instead of sagging down to my sides as they started doing around the time I turned 29.

I go back to the doctor on Wednesday to have blood drawn.  I have one more Pregnyl (hcg) injection left and the doctor said he will more than likely have me take it on Wednesday.  More on those results as I get them.....

In the meantime, we have been staying positive and sending out baby-thoughts to the universe.  Today we made some sperm/egg art! 

Oh, go sperm, go!

19 million sperm

19 million.  One of those has got to hit one of the two eggs I'm releasing, right?  19 million!

We did the IUI at 7:45 this morning.  First we did an ultrasound to look at the follicles.  The left one didn't look like it had released but the right one looked like it did.  It took about 45 minutes for the doctor to prepare the sperm.  He inserted the speculum and then put in the catheter and released some of the sperm into my left tube, some into the right.  I stared at a calendar that had a picture of a pissed-off looking cat with a milk mustache.  I couldn't even feel the catheter.

Afterwards, I relaxed there for 20 minutes.  During the sperm preparation (sperm washing), the prostaglandins in the ejaculate are removed.  These can cause cramping and severe pain in the cervix and may even cause the uterus to collapse!  I didn't have any cramping, just continued discomfort from the Pregnyl injections.  Sperm washing can also remove dead sperm and those with poor motility, leaving the strongest ones.  It works best with guys who have a count of 20 to 30 million.  My husband has a count of around 20 to 25 million.

After the IUI, I got my blood drawn for, like, the 100th time this month.  They called later on and said because of those results, we are going to do another IUI tomorrow.  I believe what the doctor is looking at is my progesterone level, which should reach a certain number after the follicles release the egg.  Mine were lower than that and so we send in more troops tomorrow to try to hit that second target. 

He didn't say that I had to relax afterwards but when I left the office I took the bus straight home.  I took a nap, snuggling my hot water bottle against my abdomen.  I have to go to work tomorrow after the appointment and after work we are going to a quinceanera.

Oh, I hope we make a baby!  One baby!

Trigger time!

Today I was given the go ahead for the hcg injection.  The drug my doctor is having me use for this is Pregnyl.  He said after they received my bloodwork and gave me the results that I was to take it right then.  Which means I had to give myself the injection.  Which I've never done before.....

First, I had to prepare the drug, which is very.....ummmm....nurse-y and I am not a nurse.  It's intimidating, using a syringe to suck water from one vial, trying to get exactly 1 1/2cc's, then squirting it into a vial containing the powdered hcg, mixing it, then drawing that back into the syringe, changing the needle to a smaller one that I will use to inject myself, then pinching the fat of my stomach and injecting it.  The needle didn't hurt but something in the medication makes the injection site quite sore.  I did one dose of 10,000 IU today and I was so sore afterward I would wince everytime I had to flex my trunk.

Tomorrow I do one more dose of 10,000 IU of the Pregnyl and by Friday I should have one or two eggs release.  We do the IUI that morning!

It's like a small rodent is gnawing my ass

Ganirelix is evil.  It feels like a gerbil gently gnawing my flesh at the injection site.  I confirmed with a friend who also had to take Ganirelix that this is common.  Well, that you have pain at the injection site.  She didn't necessarily agree that it felt like a rodent chewing your ass.

My friend also said that the gonal-f injection made her super sleepy.  She was on a much higher dose than I am and said she got sleepy immediately.  I've been having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning and thought that might be it. 

I haven't been feeling totally positive about our upcoming IUI.  I think that is partly because it seems impossible that we will finally become pregnant, partly because I don't want to get myself worked up, only to be let down.  But.....I think I need to get pumped up about it!  We will get pregnant and have a baby 9 months from the begining of April! 

Oh, positive thinking!

I sure felt like biting that x-ray tech

I was scheduled for an HSG on Monday.  A hysterosalpingogram.  The secretary from my doctor's office asked if my husband was coming along with me.  I told her he had to work and she responded "....oh.....o-okay."  After I hung up the phone I thought maybe I should do a bit more research on this.  I mean, my doctor just kept calling it an x-ray but the sound in her voice.....

What I find online is a description of the procedure followed by comments from women who have had an HSG.  Most of them were negative.  Then there were those who said it wasn't so bad and you just had to be able to handle pain.  I knew that I would be in that latter category.  I'm no wimp!

Well you know what?  I am a wimp when it feels like I'm being stabbed in the cervix for 2 minutes.  I'm not going to sugar-coat this.  It was horrible.  The doctor inserts a cold speculum, then pushes a catheter through the cervix.  He then injects a dye into the cervix and they take x-rays as it flows into the uterus and up and out the fallopian tubes.  It's done to make sure there are no blockages or cysts in the uterus or tubes.  And it feels like a hot poker is being repeatedly stabbed into the tender tissues of my cervix.

As this is happening, the x-ray tech is asking me if I've seen 'Alice in Wonderland' and starts to blather on about how it wasn't as good as 'Avatar'.  You know what?  How 'bout I bite you?  Is that as good as 'Avatar'?  I just take deep breaths and glare at him.

Some other good info to have before going in:
- you will be made to change into a hospital gown and will more than likely have a "recovery room."  Being escorted to my "recovery room" before the procedure immediately put my guard up.  They should call it something different.
- you may bleed afterward.  I brought a pad with me and it's a good thing because I did have some spotting plus that dye leaks out for the rest of the day and, in my case, into the next day.
- you may have some cramping.  The doctor said I could take Motrin.  I didn't have any cramping but I did feel tender inside for the rest of the day.

This is what I know.

Gonal-F pen & Ganirelix

"The doctor said that if you aren't nice about this, he is sure he can come up with something for me to inject into you," is the warning I gave my husband as he swabbed my ass with an alcohol wipe.

On my cycle day 7, we started injections of gonadotropin hormone, or FSH - follicle stimulating hormone.  It's used to develop multiple follicles.  I'm on a low dose - 75 IU.  This is the third day of injections.  Today we switched over to my left ass cheek 'cause the second one in my right side last night left me feeling a bit sore.  We inject another 75 IU tomorrow along with Ganirelix.  Ganirelix blocks LH - luteinizing hormone.  It's commonly used in conjunction with FSH injections because the body wants to release all those follicles and we don't want that to happen until we are ready to do the IUI.

We must keep our sense of humor about us as we give this a go!  So, for your entertainment.....

Drugs....

Got a big bag of drugs today.  Now to make sense of all of them....

I was wrong in the last post about the drug I'm starting with.  It's Arimidex.  Eight pills today on cycle day 2, eight tomorrow.

What does the interweb tell me about Arimidex?
****
By suppressing estrogen production, aromatase inhibitors trick the pituitary into producing LH and FSH.  This boosts follicle growth.  Many aromatase inhibitors are released from the body within 45 hours. This suggests that taking oral doses of aromatase inhibitors should pose little to no harm to the body or the developing embryo.
*****

My doctor says that it is commonly given to women diagnosed with breast cancer.  The tumor is removed and then they take a dose of Arimidex every day for the next 5, 10, 15, etc. years so that their body doesn't produce too much estrogen. 

He chose to give it to me because it is less potent than Clomid and I don't need that much stimulation. I grow nice follicles just fine on my own.  He is hoping for one or two more than usual since my hubby's sperm do not do well at trying to hit one small moving target.  Now they will have more to aim for.

Taking 16 pills was easy.....

2nd Post Coital

Back to the doctor's office for a second post coital test! 

Today is cycle day 14.  We abstained for two days, up until last night when we were instructed to have relations again. 

Today, I was told that my cervical mucus is a little too thick.  The doctor could see some sperm swimming in there but not many.  Could be because it was cd 14 and we missed the day when it would've been at just the right consistency - maybe yesterday.  Yesterday was Sunday, so no office visits.  We also could see a 23mm follicle on my right ovary, meaning that I should ovulate any time now.  My uterine lining was also very thick and had the right amount of layers, ready to accept a fertilized egg, should one be in there.

I had blood work today, as well.  The results were:
Estridol - 169pg/ml (picograms per mililiter)
Progesterone - 1.3ng/ml (nanograms per mililiter)
FSH - 12mIU/ml (mili-international units/mililiter)
LH - 49mIU/ml (mili-international units/mililiter)

Some of these are to be done on cycle day 3 so I don't really know what the numbers mean when the tests are done on cycle day 14.  I go back on Monday and get more blood tests done and bring in a sample from my hubby, so I'll get answers about these results then.

Hi, Science, I like your syringe.

Yesterday I was talking to someone about how we are on the IVF path now after having tried many alternative treatments.  This person, being very much into alternative treatments, encouraged me to keep on the holistic path.  She was very positive about it and when we parted ways I felt renewed, like I could keep trying.

I came home, removed a wooden carving that I felt might be sending out negative vibes, set the herbal supplements on the kitchen counter, and starred the dates on my calendar for the days when I would force my husband to have sex no matter how tired he might be.

Later that night I realized that, once again, I was bamboozled into taking advice from a woman who could just look at her husband and get pregnant.  A woman who has no idea what we've been through.  

I want to be one of those women who lie on their back, snap their fingers and get knocked up.  And you know what?  That will happen.  It will happen when I lie on my back, feet in the stirrups and have a syringe inserted through my cervix and a embryo placed in my uterus. 

I'm tossing out all those supplements and erasing those  little stars from my calendar.

Knock me up, science!

Fact Sheets

Before I jump into this topic, let me just say that my last post bordered on the crazy-must have a baby-stereotypical infertile lady-edge that I so hate and I realize that.  Anyway......

Doing some research and have found plenty of disheartening and disturbing information about fertility testing and treatments on the American Society of Reproducive Medicine's webpage.  Interested?  Look here - Fact Sheets. 

Did you know that the ovary-stimulating medicine given to a woman who is participating in fertility treatments can sometimes cause her ovary to twist on itself, cutting off its own blood supply, thus requiring surgery to untwist it or remove it?  Jesus......

I want to pretend that IVF is gonna be cool and interesting, like that elementary school science project where you create a papier mache volcano and then make it explode......but my uterus is not a papier mache volcano. 

Oh, blissful ignorance!

Reproductive organs don't discriminate

This is what I have to remind myself of as we yet again receive a phone call with that bittersweet news - "I'm going to be a dad."

Remember....
Reproductive organs don't care if you love each other very much.
Reproductive organs don't care if you just bought a bottle of cheap wine and pity fucked each other.
Reproductive organs don't care if you have money or don't have money.
Reproductive organs don't care how old you are or if you have a nice car.

My asshole uterus certainly doesn't care what I want.  And my husbands balls?  They're doin' their own thing, regardless of what he wants them to do.

I'm working my way through these angry feelings.  Give me 24 hours.

Oh, reproductive organs...

I have an announcement

*clink, clink, clink* (fork tapping on wine glass)

"Excuse me, excuse me!"  Everyone stops talking and looks directly at me.  "Thank you all for coming," I say.  Oooo, the anticipation is building now......

"I have an announcement."  People look over at my husband but he is staring up at me with the same bewildered look, no clue as to what the big announcement is.  One of the couples looks at each other with knowing grins on their faces.  A tear comes to my eye.

"I just don't like artichoke hearts."  I begin to ramble, "I've always thought of them as a classy food, though I know they come in a can just like a simple pea or carrot, but they've always seemed to impart a sort of upper-class salad to me and I really wanted to be that girl who eats high society salad." 

Distressed glances are being shot my way.  Stephen is headed toward me for our romantic embrace.........no.....he's leading me out of the room.....

Last night I was laying in bed, thinking about making that announcement - "We're pregnant!"  I admit it, I've thought about it before.  About how I'll tell my Mom, my brother, my friends.  There is just no other announcement that I can think of that would be as exciting to them as this one.  "I've got a human being growing inside me!"  That's a pretty rousing announcement.

I can't make that announcement.  So, what can I announce?  I think if I could just get it out of my system, that desire to make a big announcement, then I could let that fantasy go.

Oh, I hate artichoke hearts!

The question of the hour

How do you stay sane while trying to conceive?

People who aren't struggling with fertility issues will never understand this.  I'm not trying to be judgemental and fit all of you who can conceive "normally" into one box but I have yet to find this statement untrue.  You can nod your heads in empathy as those of us who struggle with this express our woes to you but at some point in the conversation it will enivitably be said......
......"you could just try having sex more."
......"if you relax and stop thinking about it, you'll get knocked up."
....."if you guys do adopt, then you'll get pregnant."

Look, it does not work that way.  We do not have what it takes.  We are working with 2% viable sperm.  True, that is not zero percent.  But if a "normal" couple, a couple with almost 100% viable sperm, has a 25% chance each month of getting pregnant, than we, a couple with only 2% viable sperm (and hold on here because math is not my best subject), have a .05% chance each month.  Less than 1%. 

So, those of us struggling tend to reach out to others that are in the same position.  And, thanks to the internet, it is possible to connect with thousands of other couples with infertility. 

Having realized we have a problem, even before medical tests confirmed it, I went looking online for support.  I'm sad to say, I haven't found it.  All I tend to find are women who seem to have only one foot still on the ledge.  Come on, ladies!  Isn't there more to life than becoming a mother?  I say that there is.  And though I think my husband and I would be fantastic parents, if we never get that chance, I will still feel that I have lived a life worth living.  And I work every day to make that statement even more true.  

So, what can you do to stay sane while trying to conceive?
~  Focus on the good things in your life. 
Do you and your husband have a fabulous relationship?Revel in that! Not everyone has that and aren't you lucky!
Do you love your job?  Work to become even better at it and enjoy every day, realizing that you make a difference!
Are you taking fabulous trips?  Don't you feel sorry for those people walking the aisles of the plane trying to calm a restless baby?  Enjoy the fact that you don't have to worry about that right now!
~  Start a new hobby or become a master at an old one.
Now is the time to finally become a fabulous seamstress!
Always wanted to learn how to play the violin?  You have the time now to do that. 
Make gourment dinners and serve them at your beautiful dining room table.  Have friends over and enjoy good conversation over a bottle of wine!

What is that you say?  Shut up, you glass-half-full, optimistic bitch?  I know. 

Oh, but we must try to stay sane, girls!

Alternative Methods Part 2.....or.....What I will force my husband to try in order to avoid IVF

So I find myself sitting in the very last row of seats in the back of the bus with four little bottles wrapped in foil tucked under my arm, inside my jacket, wondering if I'm far enough away from the electromagnetic waves or if I should get off the bus and walk in the -2 degree weather.

Ummm....wait....let me start this at the begining. 

What do you do if you realize that your baby makin' attempts aren't working out but you are against modern medical intervention? 

Visit a homeopathic doctor, of course.

Luckily, I happen to work with a chiropractor who is also a homeopathic nutritionist and a NET (neuroemotional technique) specialist.  After having gone through treatment with her (which I will touch on another time), I convinced my husband to see her.

The session started out normally enough.  Health history, talks about diet and exercise, some allergy testing.  And then she explained that she would like to give him some homeopathic medicine that would work to clean out his liver, spleen, bladder and testes.  And he said "okay" and told her to place the order for the medicine.

The medicine arrives and she gives it to me, along with the instructions.  And this is where it gets strange.......

The medicine, I'm told, will be adversely affected by electromagnetic fields.  She's wrapped it in foil and wants to know how I will get it home.  Being that it's freezing outside, I tell her that I'll be taking the bus home.  She makes a "tsk, tsk" noise and warns me to sit as far to the rear of the bus as I can, away from all the electric implements near the driver.  She stops short of telling me that I need to wrap my head in foil because the aliens are trying to read my thoughts......

Then come the instructions for use.  Each liquid is to be taken in two drops under the tongue, four times a day for one day.  And my husband needs to.....wait for it......stay as far away from electromagnetic fields as he can that day.

So, on a Sunday, we find ourselves in our bedroom void of the alarm clock, the laptop, cell phones, cell phone chargers, lamps, space heater, and power strip, all of which have been moved into the living room.  As I am able to come and go into and out of electromagnetic fields as I please, I slip out of the room to make us lunch and dinner and bring in things like candles so that we can entertain ourselves by reading and playing board games (both of which we enjoy but much more so when not trying to do it in the flickering candlelight). 

Twelve hours pass by so slowly when you are being glared at by a husband who has been forced to spend the day sitting on a bed in a quiet room without his video games.

Needless to say, this treatment got us nowhere.  My husband is now even more distrustful of my alternative suggestions than he was before. 

Oh, alternative methods, I have lost some faith in you!

Sugar cubes and other goals

Twenty-three days 'til I turn 30.  Lately, I've been thinking about how I'd like this next decade of my life to go, what I want to do differntly, what goals I want to reach.  Today, I decided one of those changes will be that I will only use sugar cubes in my coffee starting January 5th, 2010.  I want to be able to say, "I take two sugars in my coffee."  I will have ornate silver tongs to pull the cubes out of the sugar cup.  Down with loose sugar!

Since I have made the decision that I am now ready to be a mother, it is hard to forget that goal.  Everyone tells me not to stress about it.  Once I've set a goal for myself, I can't just give it up, stop working towards it, ignore it, not stress about it.  I can't forget how we giggled the first time we made love (okay, it was wild monkey sex) without protection and dreamed of what our baby would look like.  And every month when I start to feel cramps and every month when I see pink, then red on my bathroom tissue, I can't help but feel like I've failed.  One more egg that could've been our baby, falling out of me.

I know that this is not a failure on my part or his part.  Yet it is a goal not reached.  And it is stressing.  And I can't stop from crying a little each time.  And I know that I don't know when I will reach this goal or how many more months I will have to endure this feeling. 

I am turning 30 years old.  It is an odd feeling, one that I can't really describe.  I made it through my 20's and I'm ready to take on whatever this decade wants to throw at me.  But only if I can have two sugars in my coffee.

Oh.......

Alternative Methods Part 1.......or.......What I will try in order to avoid IVF

Earlier today, I was thinking about how it's important to keep a keep a glass-half-full kind of mindset when faced with fertility issues.  I started thinking back on all the things we tried in the 2 1/2 years leading up to our decision to do IVF.  One night in particular came to mind and I thought it would be good to share.......you know, so everyone could have a good laugh!

So I had read on various online message boards that some women had conceived using Instead Cups.  What is an Instead Cup?  It's a small, malleable rubber cup that's sold next to the tampons and can be used in place of tampons - you squeeze the cup and put in inside your vagina, up against your cervix, and take it out and dump it when it gets full.  It's also been suggested that if you put your partner's ejaculate in it and place it up against your cervix, the alkaline sperm will be able to jump right into your cervix, bypassing the acidic vagina.  What the hell.......let's try it!

Wanting to get the sperm in there as quick as possible (though I've read that sperm can continue to remain viable outside the body for up to an hour or so), I have the Instead Cup in my hand as I, *ahem*, stimulated him orally.  As he tells me we are nearing "go time" (I'm trying to keep this as non-dirty as possible, people!), somehow the Cup flies out of my hand and disappears under the couch!  I dive under the couch and locate it, only to sit back up and realize that I've missed the finale.  No worries - we scoop it in the Cup and I put it in place.

Obviously, since I'm writting this blog, this method did not work for us.  I have serious doubts that it works for anyone, even those who claim that it did.  For couples who have no fertility issues, there is about a 25% chance each month that conception can occur.  I think the couples who claim this method works had simply won their game of chance in the lottery of conception, little plastic cup or no little plastic cup.

Oh, alternative methods of conception, I'm not done with your tales yet!

File it under 'F'

I've been struggling for a while now with this blog.  I picked out the name, the layout.......but what do I write in it?  I stare at the computer screen and nothing comes out.  Today, I found my inspiration.

A few minutes ago, I was organizing my filing cabinet and I created a new file - "Fertility."  Nothin' brings home the fact that we have now become one of the 2 million couples  (according to the statistics from the American Pregnancy Association) in this nation receiving fertility treatments than a bright blue hanging file labeled "Fertility." 

Isn't it odd that this is what makes it real for me?  I've been diddled twice now with a transvaginal ultrasound probe by medically-inclined strangers.  Yet I was still able to lie on that table with my feet in the stirrups and pretend that I was there for some other reason.   

Oh, bright blue hanging file!